I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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