Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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