I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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