Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
