So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
