Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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