Little spoons don't ask big questions
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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