If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house