I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.