If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.