How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?