i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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