Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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