I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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