**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
