I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she smelled like a LAN party
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I need to align my fucking chakras
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