woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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