Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
