That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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