im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The uberlube is also flammable
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
