Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
