I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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