highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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