so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
