I wish my penis had an off switch
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
