i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
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Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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