Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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