Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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