omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
