I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
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One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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