ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
