ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
