Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
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do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.