I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
