You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
