Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
