I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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