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I can text with my tongue
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Be still, my beating vagina.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
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