He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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