Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
