Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
there is puke in my bra ... again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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