FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
