Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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