im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
