i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
