3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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