it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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