ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
