My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
