a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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