I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
