i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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