Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
