I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
being pregnant is like rehab
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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